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September 10th, 2010
What is the difference between worry and concern?
Worrying is an on going repetitive loop that begins and ends at the same point. There is no resolution or call to action, just a looping in an obsessive/addictive manner. It’s very common and most people do it. Some are what I call “Master Worriers” and others visit the process of worrying like a weekly trip to the grocery store.
Concern, on the other hand, seems to have a destination: a final point of arrival. We are looking out into the future and we see the possibility of something happening, so we make plans and take action steps now to avoid what we are seeing. People who have mastered the process of “concern” usually are leaders or people who seem to just have it all together. They are calmer, focused and take results orientated action.
The worrier can be seen sitting, fidgeting, maybe perspiring, wringing their hands, almost frozen in their bodies. Action does not seem to be taking place because it might not be perfect or solve the problem at hand. You can almost see their brain going around and around on some track, much like that little hamster on its tread wheel. A lot of energy is being exerted, but nothing really is going on or changing. It’s painful to watch and it’s even more painful to experience. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness show up, and that fuels the looping even more.
The person who feels concerned on the other hand, might be writing out a goal and some action steps that might take them to their end result. S/he might be making some phone calls or exploring on the internet to gather more information about how others have created a resolution to a similar situation. They might express a sense of urgency, but panic and overwhelm are not present because movement is going on. And in the movement, the person is tracking to see if the actions they are taking are effective in getting them to the desired result.
The mental pictures the worrier creates are filled with disaster, failure, disappointment, shame and a great sense of loss. Since the mind and body doesn’t know the difference between “imagined” reality and “real” reality, the body reacts to these pictures of gloom and doom. The body becomes acidic, the muscles contract, the digestive system shuts down, sleep is disturbed, and the heart pounds faster, there is a shortness of breath, and blood is pulled from the extremities. We are preparing for the worst. We are arming up and getting ready for serious battle. The left hemisphere of the brain is lit up. It’s cooking. It’s attempting to come up with some logical reason for what they’ve projected is going to happen.
Interestingly, the mental pictures of the concerned person are almost the exact opposite. There is a visualization of the end result they want. They see themselves taking the steps, communicating to those that might help and those that might be blocking their progress. The left hemisphere of the brain is awake and active. Since the person is more relaxed, they are taking nice deep breathes, sending the brain lots of wonderful oxygen. They are looking outside of the box, outside their typical way of looking at the situation. They are not holding a position of “rightness,” rather they are willing to see and do things differently. There is a feeling of excitement in the possibility that something new can be learned. A better way to live or to interact with others is about to show up. The primary thought and feeling is, “Wow! This could be exciting!”
The worrier believes their worry pattern saves their butt. It keeps them on their toes. It has made the positive difference in their life and they refuse to give it up. As bad and painful as this process is, it’s all they know and it works. They don’t want to “pretend or win in their fantasies” because they feel they are deceiving them self. And, they fear that if they don’t get exactly what they are fantasying about, then they will be disappointed. They would rather be disappointed now and live with the pain rather than be disappointed later. The pain in their belly is what motivates them to go do stuff they don’t want to do.
The concern person is willing to let go of beliefs that are no longer effective. They choose to win in their vision and enjoy the process of fulfilling their dreams. Disappointment is not really part of the process. They are aware that life is just a series of being “on course” and “off course” as they move through time. They often stop and enjoy the moment, knowing that it is in these small spaces of smelling a rose, enjoying a sunset or just taking a breath; that some new “never before thought” just might show up in their mind.
Life is a choice. Peace is a choice. Worry is a choice. Concern is a choice. Which are you choosing?
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August 6th, 2010
What a great question!
I wish I heard more people asking it.
I want to explore the process of punishment. The process of punishment shows up in many relationships: couples, parent/child, employee/employer, friend/friend, as well as, the relationship you share with yourself.
In the olden days and, unfortunately still occasionally today, a parent might catch a child about to put their finger into a flame. The parent immediately slaps the child’s hand and says, “NO! DON’T TOUCH THAT!” The startled, yet curious child again attempts to put their finger into the flame and the parent responds with an even harder slap and a louder voice. This continues to escalate until the parent says, “I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU SO HARD, THAT YOU WILL NEVER PUT YOUR FINGER IN A FLAME AGAIN, AND IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THE FIRST THING YOU WILL REMEMBER IS THIS BEATING!”
How painful this is. And yet, I see people doing this to each other all the time. They don’t physically hit each other, for the most part; they just use harsh, hurtful words. However, energetically it’s the same process. They are punishing each other for something that was or wasn’t said or done.
In primary relationships, this looks like one partner is scolding their “beloved” with harsh hurtful words over and over again. When I see this going on, I ask, “What’s the lesson that you’re attempting to teach your partner?” I usually get a look of wonderment and they say, “I don’t know. I wasn’t aware that I was teaching him/her a lesson. I was just letting him/her know how I’m feeling.”
Yes, with intensity and repetition.
Most people are not aware of the lesson they are attempting to teach their partner. I often say behind every bitch or scolding there is a hidden “request for change.” An example of this can be seen in the statement: “You are just a lazy jerk!” The hidden “request for change” or the “lesson to be learned” is: “I want you to participate in your life, and I want you to be nice to me,”
When I am sure everyone involved knows what the lesson to be learned is, I ask, “How will you know s/he has learned the lesson?” Another look of wonderment appears in their eyes and they say, “I don’t know.”
I say, “It’s important to know when your partner has learned the lesson, because when you know your partner has learned the lesson, you can stop punishing him/her.”
I am not suggesting that this punishment model is the best way to create change in a relationship; I am just describing what goes on in most relationships. However, if you are aware of this process, you can use it to get back to the loving much faster. For example, if you find yourself scolding your partner over and over again, or if you are on the receiving end of a scolding, ask: “What is the lesson I want you to learn or what is the lesson you want me to learn?” And, “When will I know you have learned the lesson, or when will you know I have learned the lesson?”
At this point, we can then negotiate a healthy boundary with the intention of creating a joy-filled, loving, and cooperative relationship that address our individual needs.
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May 19th, 2010
There are four basic breathing exercises that I would like to share with you. They are progressive in nature, which means the fourth exercise is more intense and involves more physical releasing than the first exercise. With each exercise you will be over oxygenating the body, forcing excess oxygen into your muscles, and then releasing tension. Each exercise involves breathing, holding and releasing. They can be done in a progression or individually, which ever works best for you. I would encourage you to experiment. Know that what works best one day, might not be what works best next week or next year, so keep exploring and rediscovering.
These exercises can help you to get centered and to get present before a meeting. They can be used to “get the day off” so you can let go of your work life allowing you to transition into your personal life. While some people may use an alcoholic drink to do this, I don’t encourage people to drink; I do however encourage people to breath. The exercises can also create a bubble where we can each just quiet our mind and be. Therefore, you can use them before you sit down to meditate, or before you do a task that requires focus and mental discipline.
To do these exercises, you want to be in a safe place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. They work best while sitting in a chair, on a couch, or on the side of your bed with both feet on the floor. Do not do these exercises when you are driving, around machinery or anywhere you can get hurt. If you have a medical condition, it’s always good to check with your Doctor to see if this type of breathing is safe for you. Always take care of yourself, and don’t do anything you think will hurt you.
First Exercise
Inhale through your nose very deeply, almost to the point of over inhaling, and exhale through your mouth. These are not short breaths, but long breaths. This is not a slow inhale and exhale, but rather a quick inhale to the count of 3 to 4 seconds and then an exhale to the count of 3 to 4 seconds. You want to over oxygenate the body. You do 5 inhales and 5 exhales. On the 6th inhale, hold your breath as long as you can. While you are holding your breath, tighten your shoulders, your arms, your stomach, your buttocks, your legs and your toes. Tighten and hold. When you exhale release any tension you might be holding onto and relax your body. If you are holding a lot of tension, you will feel a rush of energy. That is the tension you have been holding in your body. Don’t be afraid of this, it will pass very quickly.
Do a quick scan of your body. What are you feeling in your shoulders, your heart area, your stomach, your buttocks, your legs, your knees, and your feet? Be aware of any tension. Sometime you will feel a pain that you haven’t felt before. This just means you have dropped to another level of awareness. Is there any tingling going on? Tingling usually starts in the feet area. This means your body is starting to come alive again. As you progress through each exercise, the tingling tends to move up the legs, into the hip area and then the rest of your body.
Second Exercise
During this exercise you will do the same type of breathing as you did in exercise one. The only difference is that you will be taking 9 breaths instead of 5 breaths. You will be taking more breaths because there are some physical movements that are added, thus you need more breathing to help over oxygenate the body.
When you inhale, raise your shoulders up high toward your ears and when you exhale, drop and release your shoulders. This will help you release any tension that you might be holding in your shoulder area. At the same time that you are raising and lowering your shoulders, I want you to dig your heals into the floor, push your knees together and push back. This will help you focus on your lower back and buttocks area. Many people hold a lot of tension in this area. Tightening and breathing into this area of the body can be very empowering.
So, putting this all together you will be inhaling, raising your shoulders, digging your heels into the floor, pushing your knees together and pushing back. When you exhale, you will release and relax all the muscles in your body.
After doing the above for 9 breaths, you’ll inhale one more time. On the 10th and final inhale, hold your breath and tighten all your muscles. Hold your breath as long as you can and then release your breath and relax all of your muscles. Quickly scan your body and notice what you are feeling in your shoulders, your heart area, your stomach, your buttocks, your legs, your knees, and your feet. Is there a change anywhere? Are you feeling less tight? Are you feeling any new pain? Has the tingling moved up your legs?
Third Exercise
During this exercise you will again do the same type of breathing as you did in exercise One and Two, only this time you will now be taking 12 breaths.
On your first inhalation, push your right fist into your left palm. Relax when you exhale. On your second inhalation, grasp your fingertips together and pull apart. Relax when you exhale. During this exercise you are externalizing that inner struggle of “Come here – No, go away!” “Do this – No, Do that!” “I want you! – No, I don’t want you!”
At the same time you are pushing and pulling, I want you to dig your heals into the floor, push your knees together and push back as you did in exercise Two.
After doing the above of 12 breaths, you’ll inhale one more time. However, on the 13th and final inhale, hold your breath and tighten all your muscles. Hold your breath as long as you can and then release your breath and relax all of your muscles. Quickly scan your body and notice what has changed. Are there still places you are holding tension? Are you feeling the tingling in your lower back area?
Fourth Exercise
For this exercise you’ll want to remove any watches or excess jewelry because you are going to be very physical.
During this exercise you will be inhaling and exhaling through your mouth. I want you to breathe like you would after you ran a 100 yard-dash. I want you to breath deep and fast because you will need a lot of oxygen for this exercise.
While you are breathing rapidly, I want you to be stomping your feet on the floor. I want you to stomp hard enough to make impact, but not so hard that you hurt your feet. At the same time, I want you to make two fists, and I want you to hit the couch or bed with full force. Again, not so hard that you hurt yourself, but I want you to hit the bed or couch with a strong impact. I want you to do this breathing, stomping and hitting process for a few minutes. There will be a voice inside that will say, “Okay, I’m done.” Keep going a little longer. At some point in time, I want you to take a deep breath and hold it. While you are holding your breath, I want you to keep hitting and stomping. When you can’t hold your breath any longer, exhale, sit back and relax.
Quickly scan your body and notice what you are feeling. You will be breathing. Good job.
At this point, I would like you to repeat the first exercise. Take 5 deep breathes in and tense every muscle in your body, and hold your breath as long as you can. Exhale and relax. Notice what you are thinking. Your mind will be empty and quiet. Nice. It’s possible to go through life with our mind being quiet. You are now present. Breathe in and enjoy.
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May 3rd, 2010
I often hear, “He needs to take responsibility for his actions!” I think, “Okay.” But what does it mean for someone to take responsibility for their actions? Does it mean they need to be punished by themselves or someone else? That’s what that statement sounds like to me. That might be true, but I don’t think that is what it means to be responsible for ones actions.
From my point of view the word – responsible – means to have the ability to respond. So what does that mean? It means we are to respond to a situation verses react to a situation. When we react, we don’t think about what we are doing or saying – we’re just reacting. Much like when someone taps your leg just below your kneecap, your leg reacts and jerks. It’s a reaction. There is no thought in that action. It’s very fast. I call it the animal part of us that reacts to situations in the primal “fight or flight” syndrome. Reacting might be good if we are running from some wild animal, but reacting might not be so positive if we are dealing with something someone has said or has done to us. The main point here is that there is no thinking involved, just action.
If we respond to a situation, then we enter into a process of looking at what was said or done, and we decide how to respond in a manner that will give us the outcome we are attempting to create. It requires more maturity and discipline to manage the world from this perspective. It involves engaging the frontal lobes of our brain. The part of the brain that processes and analyzes information. It accesses past experiences and attempts to use some type of logic. Once all the data has been sorted, we make the best decision we can with the information we have and then we respond. Our response might not always be the best, or get us the results we were hoping for, but with what we know at that moment, it is the best we can do. As time passes, and as we gain more experiences or wisdom we might respond differently.
In being “responsible” or taking responsibility for our actions, I don’t see punishment as being part of the process. There might be some learning and expansion of awareness, but not punishment. Punishment is a very different process.
So, the next time someone tells you to be responsible, stop and think about how you can respond in a way that creates a win/win situation for all concerned. Look to see if this is one of those wonderful learning opportunities where you get to expand to yet another level of awareness.
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January 22nd, 2010
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
As a child you probably asked this question at one time or another and, if you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard it from your child as well. “When are we going to get there?” As adults we ask: “When am I going to meet my partner? When am I going to get that job I love? When am I going to get my raise? When am I going to have a great meditation practice? When am I going to get into that yoga pose? When am I going to be happy? When am I going to be free?”
From the beginning of time we’ve been told that as soon as we get “there” or get “that,” then and only then – we will be happy. We will be successful.
What a carrot to be chasing!
Somewhere in the process of self-exploration I realized that living for some future goal was a lie. When I discovered this I decided that I wasn’t going to wait until something occurred before I was going to be happy. I was going to be happy right now. So I stopped setting goals. I went from day-to-day, and life seemed to be okay for a while. Then I discovered that I was depressed. I felt aimless and life seemed pointless. Sure I was enjoying the moment, but something was missing. After some deep reflection I realized that I didn’t have a purpose. I was just being. In fact, “just being” had become my new goal . . . just to be. I wasn’t going to get caught up in all that future planning stuff. But I was still depressed.
Something was wrong. I felt like I had been lied to again. It was at this point that I discovered that next to every truth stands a lie. Here is a truth: “Always tell the truth.” That’s a good truth. But then there’s a guy standing next to me with a gun to my head saying he says he kills people who drink water. When he asks me if the cup of water on my desk is mine, I say, “No!” I lied. In this situation, a lie is okay. In fact, it’s considered smart.
So now with this new awareness of “next to every truth stands a lie,” I began to think about my own decision not to set goals, not to live in the future, or to think that I would be happy when something occurred.
I realized that I need goals to work toward. When I do this it gives me a purpose and a sense of contributing to a bigger picture. I also realized that achieving the goal, did not always mean or guarantee I would be happy. It just meant that I had arrived at a certain point. I realized that I had to enjoy the process of moving toward the goal in order for me to experience joy. It also meant that I had to enjoy the process of doing things that were scary. I had to risk and enjoy doing things I had never attempted or done before. I had to make mistakes, and as strange as it might sound, I had to enjoy making those mistakes. In the process of struggling toward my goal I discovered that I would occasionally disappoint others and myself. And, when I got to my goal – I had to set another goal. I had to keep going. There always seems to be a next step, another hill to climb.
A friend once told me, “When you think you have arrived at your destination – put ETC on there. ETC stands for Eternally Traveling Consciousness.” So, when you think you have arrived – keep going. There is more joy to be discovered. Enjoy the process of the moment as you climb that next hill, and when you arrive at the top of that hill give yourself some words of appreciation, and then look forward toward your next adventure as you experience the freedom of being in the moment.
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December 31st, 2009
Isn’t that nice to know? It means we are free to change at any moment. We can make a transformational shift right now. We are free from what we did yesterday, last year, or ten years ago. We are not bound by our past actions. We are not bound by our past decisions. And as we go through time, we get to add to our life experiences. We get to learn how to do things more effectively. We get to learn how to better express our wants and our needs to those we care about. Not only that, we get to learn how to listen to our world so we can extend our loving and caring more directly and clearer.
If your past words or actions have directly or indirectly caused others confusion or pain, this is a good time to clarify your intentions. Ask yourself, “What was the end result I wanted when I spoke those words?” “How did I want my actions to be interpreted?” If you did not get the results you wanted, speak up and express your truth as you know it today. Remember, you did the best you could with the information and the skill level you had at that time. Now you know more and your skill level has improved.
You have permission to clarify what you said or what you did. You have permission to continuously do instant replays and physically do things differently until you get the results you want. You can correct the things you just did or things you did years ago. We are all free to recreate the past. Some people will say, “No this is not so.” They will attempt to hold you to what you said or what you did in the past. You do not need to correct them. Just keep moving forward and, at some point in time, they will realize that they too have the same freedom to correct the past as you have and, when they do, they will celebrate the courage you demonstrated to them.
Keep growing. Keep learning. Keep changing. Know today is a brand new opportunity to step into who you truly are.
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November 11th, 2009
We can’t control anything or anyone outside of ourselves. We can only control how we react or how we respond to what is going on outside of ourselves. When something happens we can either contract or expand. It’s a choice. We might not be aware that there is a choice, but if you are watchful you can catch yourself choosing to expand or contract. If you are contracting your jaw will get tense, you’ll bite down on your teeth, you’ll start holding our breath, your pupils will dilate, and your mind will start racing. You’ll feel stressed. You’ll feel anxious. On the other hand, if you choose to expand your heart rate slows down, your breath smoothes out, your mind relaxes and expands, other perspectives show up and often a resolution may presents itself. Learning and growth occur as a new way of being emerges. You move from being stuck and frustrated to being excited with another opportunity for growth. Life becomes an adventure and an exploration. Wonder becomes a new habitual state of being.
The key here is to be aware of how you are reacting in the moment. By learning to expand at the moment of contraction you can begin to take control of how you are dealing with your every day life. You move away from being a victim where terrible things happen to you, to being a person who is choosing to respond to life’s challenges. I’m not suggesting that this is an easy process, if it was no one would be experiencing stress and fear. However, it’s a choice and it can become a habitual way of being. My challenge to you is to be watchful. Notice when you are contracting. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Notice the pictures you are holding in your mind. Notice the solutions or lack of solutions that seem to be present. At that moment of awareness, take a breath and expand. Spread your arms out and breathe deeply. Don’t think. Just breathe. Keep taking deep breaths until your relax. Once you start to relax, allow yourself to expand. Keep expanding your awareness until you are about 30 feet in the air looking down. Then expand until you see your entire community. Keep expanding until you see your entire country. Expand until you see the entire planet in your mind’s eye. Take another breath and expand until you see the entire solar system. Once you are at this level, ask for a resolution to the situation that’s disturbing you to be presented. Allow yourself to stay in this expanded state until you are in a place of understanding.
Expand at the moment of contraction. Joy will be there waiting for you.
We can’t control anything or anyone outside of ourselves. We can only control how we react or how we respond to what is going on outside of ourselves. When something happens we can either contract or expand. It’s a choice. We might not be aware that there is a choice, but if you are watchful you can catch yourself choosing to expand or contract. If you are contracting your jaw will get tense, you’ll bite down on your teeth, you’ll start holding our breath, your pupils will dilate, and your mind will start racing. You’ll feel stressed. You’ll feel anxious. On the other hand, if you choose to expand your heart rate slows down, your breath smoothes out, your mind relaxes and expands, other perspectives show up and often a resolution may presents itself. Learning and growth occur as a new way of being emerges. You move from being stuck and frustrated to being excited with another opportunity for growth. Life becomes an adventure and an exploration. Wonder becomes a new habitual state of being.
The key here is to be aware of how you are reacting in the moment. By learning to expand at the moment of contraction you can begin to take control of how you are dealing with your every day life. You move away from being a victim where terrible things happen to you, to being a person who is choosing to respond to life’s challenges. I’m not suggesting that this is an easy process, if it was no one would be experiencing stress and fear. However, it’s a choice and it can become a habitual way of being. My challenge to you is to be watchful. Notice when you are contracting. Notice what you are saying to yourself. Notice the pictures you are holding in your mind. Notice the solutions or lack of solutions that seem to be present. At that moment of awareness, take a breath and expand. Spread your arms out and breathe deeply. Don’t think. Just breathe. Keep taking deep breaths until your relax. Once you start to relax, allow yourself to expand. Keep expanding your awareness until you are about 30 feet in the air looking down. Then expand until you see your entire community. Keep expanding until you see your entire country. Expand until you see the entire planet in your mind’s eye. Take another breath and expand until you see the entire solar system. Once you are at this level, ask for a resolution to the situation that’s disturbing you to be presented. Allow yourself to stay in this expanded state until you are in a place of understanding.
Expand at the moment of contraction. Joy will be there waiting for you.
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October 2nd, 2009
When we look out into the world we see people and events. If what we see makes us feel good, then all is fine. When what we see disturbs us, then we feel the person or the event is wrong. In order to see the wrongness, we have to separate our self from the event or the person. In order to see the wrongness, we have to be holding onto a position of rightness. It’s when we hold onto our position of rightness that judgment occurs. We think, “If only they would do it the right way, then all would be perfect. They are wrong to do it that way. Didn’t anyone teach them the right way of doing things?’
The rules of right and wrong we believe in come from our society, our religions, our caregivers, and from our own experiences in the world. The rules of right and wrong go from the ancient Ten Commandments to the “right” way of tying your shoelaces. The range is vast and the list of rules keeps growing as we go through time. You might say, “Some of those rules are important. We need rules to live together as humans.” I suspect this might be true, however, the question in my mind is: Who decides what is right and what is wrong? What nation, what religion, what family, what person truly knows?
You might say, “Some rules are obvious – like – don’t kill.” Except we legalize war and we kill. You say, “Well that’s an exception.” Yes it is. The problem is there’s always an exception.
One thing I do know is that I don’t know. I can look at something and see how “wrong” it is. Then I can change my point of view, and I can see the reason or the logic of the situation, and I can see the “rightness.” Then I can really change my point of view and I can see the situation from a totally different viewing point and I realize there are so many ways of seeing and doing things. When I do this process of expanding my point of view, I am able to move out of my position of “rightness.” In the expanding process I am also able to see that we are truly all humans on a small planet trying to discover joy in our everyday life. When I am in this expanded place, I am no longer creating separation. I see the oneness of the human species and we are all just doing the best we can with what we have, with what we know. There are two statements that always wake me up. They are: “If they knew better, they would do better.” And, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
So, the next time you find yourself in the process of judging, ask yourself: “Am I holding a position of rightness? Have I separated my self from the human condition?” Then just take a breath, expand, and allow the judgments you have placed against yourself, or others, to fall away as you move into acceptance and then choose back into your loving and joy.
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September 3rd, 2009
In order to truly understand this bold statement, it helps to be aware of one of life’s most interesting processes: Action follows Thought. Anything that you or I do in the world is preceded by a thought. The room you’re currently sitting in was a thought in an architect’s mind before it became manifested into this world. The shirt or blouse you’re wearing was a vision or a thought in a designer’s mind before the manufacture produced the clothes. The food you ate today was planted by someone, nurtured by someone and harvested by someone, and all of these people thought about doing those actions before they did it.
You say, “Yeah, I got all of that, but, you’re trying to tell me my state of being or how I feel about myself, comes from the way I think about myself!”
Yes! That is exactly what I am saying. How we “feel” about ourselves is in direct relationship to how we “think” about ourselves. There is a clear “cause and effect” paradigm going on here.
“But,” you say, “I don’t have a college degree. I don’t own that house on the beach. I don’t drive a fancy car. I don’t have a great body, and I don’t know how to make money in the stock market. I’m not good enough for him/her! I come from the other side of the tracks. These are all facts. They’re not thoughts. And, because of these facts, I feel less than. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like a failure. You’re trying to tell me that if I think I am a good enough, then I’ll be good enough. I don’t believe you. Prove it to me!”
Okay. I accept your challenge. Notice how you’re feeling right now. Are you feeling positive and uplifted or are you feeling a little down? What you’re feeling right now is a direct result of what you have been thinking. You have been thinking that you’re not good enough because you don’t have what I would call “symbols of success.” Because you haven’t gathered certain things or a certain amount of money, or a certain type of person, then you believe that you are a failure. You are attempting to motivate yourself with pain, so you will do something different in your life. The painful motivational tool you are using is a thought! You believe that if you hold this thought long enough you will make yourself do something different. This process of using a painful, negative thought to motivate yourself has diminishing returns. What I mean by this is that it creates a person who never feels good enough, and there are never enough things out there in the world that can change that. What makes us feel good enough is our thinking positive things about who we are. When we think good thoughts about our self, then we feel good about our self. When we feel good about our self, then we do good things for ourselves and others. When we do good things for ourselves and others, then we feel good about our self, and etcetera. What a wonderful and wondrous upward spiral. My challenge to you is to think good thoughts about yourself, and observe what changes in your life. Here are a few thoughts to prime the pump: I am brilliant. I am wonderful. I am thoughtful. I am creative. I am gifted.
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August 18th, 2009
We feel stressed or anxious when we think about the future. The future is one of those things that never “goes away” and, yet, never arrives. It just seems to sit there looming over us. What will happen in the future? We don’t know. We can make some guesses, but we truly do not know what is going to happen. We can plan and plan and plan, and yet the future remains untouchable and unknowable.
Fear is another word that we could use to describe stress or anxiety. It contains an acronym that holds its definition. The “F” in fear stands for “false,” the “E” stands for “expectations,” the “A” stands for “appearing,” and the “R” stands for “real.” So, fear is “false expectations appearing real.” The feeling of fear or stress is real; the source of the fear or stress is what is false. The source appears real, however, only in rare situations is the source deserving of the emotional reaction of fear or stress. One situation that could be considered appropriate would be when a saber-toothed tiger jumps off a cliff in front of you. Another situation would be when someone is threatening your life. Luckily for most of us, these things will never happen.
What most of us do is fantasize about what we think is going to happen in the future, and respond to our negative fantasy with stress. We could say that we are choosing to lose in our fantasies. We are creating false expectations that appear real. We are living in the future and not in “the moment.” The way out of stress or anxiety is to be in the moment.
In order to be in “the moment,” we need to contact our senses and identify exactly what is going on now and not what we think is going on, but what is actually going on. This might sound simple; however, most of us erroneously think what we “think” is correct. Many times it is just our opinion or point of view of what is going on. When we contact our senses and identify what we see, hear, feel, taste, or touch, we move out of our subjective reality and into an objective reality.
We have a part of us that will not want to be in “the moment.” It will want to stay in “the created fantasy” because it is convinced it is right. If this is the case, know that you are again out of the moment and into the future, pretending or fantasizing about what you think is going on.
You might be saying, “Yeah, but if I am always in the moment, how can I get anything done?” If you are truly in the moment, you will no longer be stressed, and that is movement. And it is only in the moment that we can do anything. It is truly the only place in which we can respond to our environment. It is the position of action and strength.
Let’s explore another effective way of expressing our stress.
Stress seems to be stored in four places: the physical body, the emotions, the mind, and the unconscious. The exercise that I am about to share with you will clear all of the areas except the physical body. This exercise will lessen the tension in the body, and therefore effect how your body feels, however, it will not give you a physical release that you might receive from a brisk walk or a yoga class.
I want you to do some writing. I want you to write from the point of view of you being a victim. I want you to blame others for your troubles, your pain, your anger and your stress. I am not suggesting you run your life from this point of view. I would encourage you to be responsible and accountable for your life, but in this exercise I want you to write from the victim’s point of view. There is a part of us that I call the basic self or the child within, and that part feels it has been victimized. I am asking you to allow that part to speak its truth.
As I stated, I want you to write from the victim’s point of view. I also want you to use a lot of four letter words! When we start using those swear words that we’re not supposed to use, but that we all use, it begins to allow us to express some of that stress that is just sitting there below the surface. As you are doing your writing, there might be a time when you are just scribbling words on the paper and you can’t even read what it is that you are writing. That’s just great because I do not want you to read what you write.
The process of writing gets all the negative stuff out. The process of reading puts it all right back in. Many people are not aware of this and they write in their journals and they keep them on their shelf to be read later, to think about, to analyze their issues, and then they just seem to keep going around and around the same issues. They keep reclaiming the negative and they hold onto it.
Do not read what you write. Some people are real creative and say, “But sometimes I write real neat stuff and I want to keep it for a poem, or a song, or something.” That’s fine. If you are this type of person, then all you have to do is keep another sheet of paper next to you as you do your writing. And if something comes up that you want to keep, just write it on this separate sheet of paper.
Once again, do not read what you write. I want you to do one of two things: tear it up and throw it away or burn it. Some safe places to burn your writing are the kitchen sink, the toilet, an ashtray, or the fireplace. Be careful and do not burn yourself or your house. Some smoke alarms are very sensitive so just be aware. I encourage you to be a scientist and try both. See which one you like best. Some people like to tear and some people like to burn. Some people like to tear and burn. Find out what works best for you.
There are two reasons why I want you to tear or burn your writing. The first is: if you think someone just might read what you are writing, then you will start censoring what you write. There is another concept that comes into play here. We are not held responsible for what passes through our minds, we are however, held responsible for what we hold onto. So, you could be writing some pretty foul stuff and if you are afraid someone might read what you are writing, including yourself, you will hold onto those thoughts. If, however, you are certain that no one will read your writing, then you will begin to feel free to write what ever comes to your mind, no matter how ugly the thought. You will know that those ugly thoughts are just thoughts. We all think ugly thoughts from time to time and it is just next. More stuff. Next.
The second reason why I want you to tear or burn your writings is a little more subtler. You will have to watch for this one. After you have written out your stress and you have torn or burnt the writings, there will be a little feeling inside that will say “That’s gone.” However, that doesn’t mean that you will not have to write about the same subject more than once. Some subjects run so deep that you might have to write about them 100 times. Each time you write on it however, it will be complete and you will have peeled off another layer on the proverbial onion.
There is another part to this writing exercise that is very important. We are like whole people and, as we start letting go of our negativity it will feel like there is a hole inside. For some people this hole feels like a void and a great sadness can be felt. It is like, “Wow, a lot has happened to me.” And with this void can come tears. If that happens, that’s great! Now the body is coming into the process, and it is beginning to heal itself as well as your emotions, mind and unconscious.
Beyond feeling the void I want you to plant a seed. The seed is going to be in the form of an affirmation. In the big picture what you are doing is getting rid of what you don’t want, and putting in what you do want. The affirmation that I want you to work with is very specific. I also want you to hold onto your abdomen with both hands as you say the affirmation. When we hold onto our abdomen, there is a feeling of protection and nurturing, and our little basic self or child within says, “Yeah, what do you want?”
Now that we have its attention, the affirmation is this: (Your name), I am loving you. I am loving you (your name). The wording here is very important to note. You are not saying, “I love you” to yourself, because you just might not be in a loving place with yourself and that part that knows, would say, “You don’t love me, you hate me!” However, if you say, “I am loving you,” the very statement is a loving act and it can not be denied. That little basic self or inner child will say, “Thank you. I needed that.”
For some people the idea of talking to our “self” is a very uncomfortable thing and again, I would ask you to be a scientist and just check it out. Hold onto your abdomen and either, out loud or to yourself, which ever is most appropriate for you, and say: “(your name) I am loving you. I am loving you (your name).” Say these affirmations about 20 to 25 times or until you feel full inside.
I would encourage you to write, tear and burn, and say your affirmations at least once every day for two weeks. When you do this process for this length of time, you will be able to release old stresses that you may have been holding onto for years.
If you find that you are not stressed one day, just let yourself write about whatever comes up in a free form writing style. Look at issues of stress with your parents, past lovers, past or present bosses. Whatever comes up is just fine. This can become a very enjoyable process and a very healthy and effective way of dealing with your stress.
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